“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them. " – Ralph G. Nichols 

In this piece, I explore listening and the impact listening has, reflecting on my experiences as a student, a teacher and simply as one of the millions of people wanting to understand and be understood.

We all have the same basic needs. Food, shelter, air, water. Beyond these survival needs, one of the basic human needs is to understand and be understood. Looking at Maslow’s hierarchy, this could be considered as a part of the love/belonging need, and as a part of esteem and self-actualisation.

Being heard helps us feel connected, but as humans we often listen with the intent to respond, not with a curiosity to learn and understand. 

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” – Covey, S. R says people “are either speaking or preparing to speak. They’re filtering everything through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people’s lives.”      

Students are expected to respect and listen to teachers because of teachers' position, however shouldn't we be teaching them that we should respect everyone including ourselves? Do students feel respected and listened to, and if not, how does this influence their learning, their life experiences, and the social construct of how the world is or should be?

Gerard Egan’s 'The skilled Helper' stage 1A is fundamentally about being a good listener while the client shares their story. These skills are often neglected in our day to day lives.

Being attentive, using positive body language, active listening, leaning forward, exploring clients' frames of reference, offering acceptance and empathy, being non-judgemental, being relaxed. In the activity where we listened while sitting back to back many of these components were absent, making me wonder how often they are also not there when listening at work, with my students, or even in my day to day life. 

We also experienced ‘the triad’, with a listener, a speaker and an observer. Experience in each position was different, for me, and for the other two people. We often make assumptions about someone’s experience based on our own. However, something that might not seem like a big issue to me could be a huge issue for the other person. That other person could be anyone, including a work colleague or student. When I observed, ‘the listener’ stop listening half-way through, and the effect it had on the person sharing, I questioned how it would impact those who I engage in conversations, particularly my students. Am I listening with real interest to what they are saying, wanting to understand how they are feeling, or am I busy with something else, and if so how does this impact them?  

Exclusion can be part of a punishment process, in the classroom, or in the legal system, with graduated processes of exclusion. The person is isolated, disconnected. The need to feel connected, to understand and be understood, affects us so heavily it’s the reason it is used for punishment.

We need to feel connected, but is this feeling of understanding and being understood, of being listened to, something we are struggling with everyday, at work, at home, with the world? Is it the reason for relationship breakdowns?

I believe that human connections are the first step to elevating our consciousness. When we deepen our connections with others we learn to explore other human beings. It may trigger our fears. We step out of our comfort zone. We learn. We grow. We experience. Our consciousness rises. And when the consciousness is altered - the world changes. When will emotional communication become a focal point of our teaching?

 I believe in a world where we appreciate that we are all connected, where we shift our values from competition and approval to contribution and acceptance. This should begin with education.

“The students said having a listening teacher helped them to feel respected, 'we respect them if they respect us, so we work harder'. Some felt that it improved their learning, ‘it makes you feel more confident and more enthusiastic and happier to learn.’ " Colleen McLaughlin

I believe we are seeing a decline in successfully teaching the curriculum due to the lack of focus on emotional learning, experiencing the connection that a school community should have. That global experience should be where we can empathise, listen, understand and be understood. 

In my experience as a student, teacher, and simply as a person, there is a lot of talking and not much listening. Today everyone wants to be heard but few are willing to listen. How does this look in the education system? 

As teachers we experience pressures to perform, measured as achieving certain standards of the curriculum. My own personal drive and focus, however, is in conflict with the expectations I feel from a system that focuses more on knowledge than connection. Are we listening to our students, hearing what they are saying, are we displaying the importance of one of life’s most important skills? Or are we talking at them, hoping they will learn from the information we feed them? 

As John Macmurray argued in the 1930’s, we should teach based on what we feel, as well as what we know.  

“What we feel and how we feel is far more important than what we think and how we think, since all the motives which govern and drive our lives are emotional."

What we feel and what we think together are the basis for what we believe. What we believe is true, pure, genuine, and authentic for us. 

If we teach based only on thinking, without feeling, we make choices that lack compassion and empathy, which causes disconnection and results in pain and suffering. Many of us are hurting, including our students, and while we want to be heard, who is listening while we are all shouting to be listened to? 

I believe our role is to empower our students, our community, to know how to express themselves, to allow them to experience life to the fullest, allow them to feel comfortable with who they are. Through an understanding of self, there is great strength and power, an energy that rises within themselves, their consciousness, their experiences of the world, also helping those around us. 

As a teacher, my focus on curriculum builds on a focus on my students’ wellbeing, allowing them to develop a strong relationship with self, as a basis for creating positive relationships with their peers, family and community. They learn first-hand how it feels for another to truly listen, and truly connect.  This is a lesson that won’t be set as a standard test, but experienced everyday for the rest of their lives. This is true life-long learning, beyond the classroom.

When we listen, really listen, we say "You are seen, heard and loved".
This is a message that is extremely important and not one we can ignore.